I don’t usually do this.. the whole, “writing online” thing. But I doubt anyone will see this anyway:
where do I begin? Maybe back in 2010. August. I’ll never forget the day I met you. It’s like I was in awe. I’ve never seen someone like you before, or felt such a strong vibe from someone before. I mean, considering that I was only 13, it makes sense but it was just all so weird since I couldn’t even find words to say. I just looked at you in awe. I know you might not have noticed, since you don’t notice a lot of things like that. You never look into anything and I guess that’s what I failed to see. Anyway; as time went on, you made my summer. I’ll never forget all the surprise visits you gave me, it lit my heart up. All the times that we would stay up talking on the phone or how you would text me a million times to wake up. It’s weird. I never knew we would grow such a strong connection so quickly because of the simple fact that I would never thought you would want me like I wanted you, or “like” me like I “liked” you. But I guess I should have sticked with my first instinct because in the end, I was right. As time went on, all I started to think about was you: what you were doing, if you were thinking of me, how you felt for me etc.. It was weird to me. I’ve never thought about someone so much or cared about what someone (a guy) has thought of me so much. All the facebook status we wrote about each other, how we would talk all day, even how much we always wanted to be together, it all fascinated me. What made everything more great was we liked each other for who we were, being that we never kissed until September 7th. I’ll never forget that day. It was the first day of school and probably one of my favorite days for us. I remember walking with you, holding your hand (my arm was always bent because you were always too tall for me, lol.) the moment you were leaving and reached into kiss me, I swear my heart skipped a beat. September 11. The day of Darius’s party (lol). I couldn’t count how many tap kisses and hugs you gave me, but it made me mesmerized. I remember you tried to call me your girlfriend that day and I told you, you were wrong. But then the next day, being September 12, is when you made it “official”. To this day, September 12, 2010 is still one of my most favorite days ever…
Time went on, you taught me how to love and how it feels for someone to love you. It’s crazy because you were my first everything. You taught me how to love someone and how to be with someone. And I thank you so much for that. December, 2010 is when I gave my mind to you. That’s when I fell. When I realized I actually love you and I just grew too attached. It was weird because we still hadn’t done anything sexual and I was head over heals for you. I could never forget what an amazing winter we had together. You coming over nearly everyday, just being at my home and sitting or laying down with me while we played video games or baked, lol. We were so young.
February is when I started giving my soul to you. It all started February 9th. When you first ate me out and fingered me and I first gave you head and all that. I’ll never forget that day. I was so nervous because I’ve never done anything like that before, but with you, I felt safe. I felt like you would be so gentile and kind, and which you were. With every touch. I still remember you soft fingers running through my hair or touching my skin. It was such a feeling I’ve never gotten before but I’m glad that you were the one that I could share it with. You made me feel so loved and wanted. I was so scared, of doing anything like that. And you know I was. You know how shy I was when it came to all that sexual stuff but you were so kind with me and made sure I felt comfortable and I thank you for that because any other 14 year old boy would definitely take advantage. I remember laying down with you after that and just looking into each other’s eyes and saying “I love you”. I remember all the journals we wrote for each other and how you wrote about that day. And I’m not sure why, but I got joy out of it. Pleasuring you I guess.
March. When I gave my whole tire soul to you. March 9, I remember you wanted a break but I refused. I grew way too attached to you and could not spend a day without you. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to not be with you. I guess that’s where I messed up. Letting you know that I “needed” you. I was and still am so vulnerable when it comes to you. It all started that day. March 10, the day I gave my virginity to you. Well, for about 20 seconds. I still remember each word you said to me before had. Asking and asking if I was sure I wanted to do it. You showed how much you cared. And I can’t thank you enough for that because I know if it was anyone else, it wouldn’t have happened that way. I remember after that day. I didn’t want anyone to know what we had done being that we were still in the 8th grade and everyone judges when you’re that young. Being that we were probably the only couple that young doing things like that. But I didn’t care in the end, because it was with you and in my mind you were all I ever wanted..
Time went on, we went from barely doing all that to doing it all the time. It became a habit I guess, something I loved. A feeling of desire and emotion that I craved from you. A way of keeping you. But I was wrong. I should have known I was wrong because from that day on, you knew you had me wrapped around your finger. The ending of the 8th grade was horrible. I got to spend no events with you because you were either kicked out, or didn’t care enough. I’ll never forget the last day of school that school year. I was grounded. I couldn’t go to the same party that everyone else was going to but you still went. I knew that you were gonna fuck up. I knew that something was gonna go wrong but something in my mind chose to ignore it and just relax and stay home with my bestfriend at the time. I remember getting a phone call that you were with other girls and I flipped. That’s the first time I ever got so angry at you and flipped out because I was filled with jealousy and hatred. There’s nothing in the world that mattered to me at that moment, I just wanted to see you and punch you or something. Well, I saw you. I looked into your eyes and all I felt was pain in my heart. I remember seeing everyone else. Wanting to just hit someone but I left before I even could. From that day on, N.O.T.H.I.N.G. was ever the same.
As the summer went on, I felt torn. Like I had the whole world in my hands and then suddenly someone had taken it away from me. I wanted you back so badly. I wanted your attention and your love. Throughout half of that summer, I still remember all the things you used to text me, and how I would just ignore it all; for the most part. After I had cut you off for about a week, you came back to me. Saying you were gonna prove your word, and you actually did. That is where I trusted you and had faith in us. It was the first and last time you actually did what you said you were going to do. Going into freshman year, I was sure nothing was gonna tear us apart. At the end of the day, you “loved” me right?
Highschool changes people. You meet new people and want to try new things. Although I met so many different new people I was stuck on the fact that I had to be loyal and faithful to you. Freshman year is where everything went completely wrong. We went to different schools, we were both caught up in our own thing. Even though you don’t realize it, I made all the effort just to make sure you were happy and to be with you. I know my love came out wrong. I can see how my jealousy and my “over protective-ness” came out the wrong way. But I only wanted to make sure I wouldn’t lose you, I guess that didn’t work though. As the year went on, all we did was argue and have sex. We hung out, but it was rarely alone. I’ll never forget the day someone told me about this new girl you had been flirting with. Although it may had seem innocent at first, I always had a gut feeling that it wasn’t right. All of freshman year, I knew we shouldn’t be together but I knew the second we weren’t going to be together you were going to be with her and I was right. I swear, it’s like I literally felt you slipping away from my fingers. The saddest part was, I walked on egg shells for you, for the simple fact that I knew that you wouldn’t fight for me if I tried to walk away. I know that if I would have left it wouldn’t have mattered to you at all. Similar to now. I knew you had a crush, or whatever feelings for this female. For some reason, I grew anger and hatred towards her when it should have been for you, but I guess I realized that a whole year later. The last day of freshman year, I can remember how I watched my heart shatter. I had never seen you walking or even close to another female that wasn’t me, and I remember that night, I saw you with her. As I approached you, of course, you walked away from her, but to see you with someone else made me feel like complete shit. And I guess you realized that a little later on when you saw me with someone else.
As that summer went on, I felt a REAL heartbreak. Not just one of those, “let me cry for the night and then we’ll make up” heartbreaks- but one of those “how did this even happen” heartbreaks. I can remember seeing her on your facebook, writing things, posting things, it was the worst feeling. Although I was talking to someone else in the beginning, I longed for your touch, just to hear a stupid joke from you one last time, or just to even be with you, but I knew it wasn’t right. I also knew getting into something with someone else wasn’t right at the moment either, but you did, so why couldn’t I? It was sad, I grew real feelings for the other kid, but I couldn’t act on them because of you. Because I was just waiting and waiting for you to eventually realized what you had and what we had, but you would for a week and then change your mind. As the summer went on, I just cut you off. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I remember when I had my surgery. I wanted you to come see me and you didn’t. Instead you were with this girl. I’ll never forget how I had my first anxiety attack because of you. I was shaking. I couldn’t breathe and I didn’t know what to do. My stitches in my mouth ripped open and all I saw and tasted was blood and it was all because of you. I was sobbing, something I had never done before. It was all because I had finally realized, you chose someone over me. Over the girl you were with for a year and some at the time. Over someone that has been there for you AND your family but none of that mattered to you. I never told you about that day. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want your sympathy but most of all, I didn’t want you to know how much of an effect you had on me. That summer ended well for me. I remember how I would always get my mind of things. And that was when I was introduced to alcohol and weed. Which at the time, I thought was god’s gift to me. It’s weird though.. people say when you’re high you’re supposed to get your mind off of things but most of the time when I was high, you were the one thing I thought of. And I would have to keep telling myself to think of something else, but it barely worked. Anyway, that summer was the worst, or so I thought.
Going into this year I was happy and upset. I was happy because it was something new, and brand new year. But I was upset because we were finally in the same school but not even together, I just would have to see you everywhere I went. And it sucked. Going into the first day of school, I was with no one, just alone for once (lol). But I remember walking into your class accidentally, thinking I belonged there, and seeing you walk in made my heart drop to my knees. I hadn’t seen you in quite some time and I still remember the smirk that came out of my face. Mad at you or not, this smile just always comes up every time I see you in person. It’s like my heart or my mind (not sure which one) still wants you and believes you can and do make me so happy. Immediately I checked to see if I belonged there and I didn’t, but I was right next door to you. I remember telling myself I had to just let go. And that’s what I did. But one thing I never let go out was our date. 9/12/10. We would’ve been making two years but I remember that day really clearly. I thought it would bring us back together and hopefully you would come back to me, but that day you were hanging out with this other girl. The one that you had something with. It hit me hard, but I chose to ignore it. I didn’t want to bother letting it show- how hurt I was. As the year went on, I just chose to ignore you and decide to be with someone else, the kid I recently had something with. Sometimes, I would think I was wrong, for letting him in. Not because it would hurt you but because I hurt him so much because of you. He actually had real feelings for me, and actually care. Although it would NEVER work out because of the way he is, I just will never know what it’s like to let someone else in, because of you. Anyway, as the year went on, I learned to just be alone. Around your birthday you decided to be in my life again. You see, you loved doing that. Coming in and out of my life whenever you pleased. October 4th, your birthday. We weren’t talking, we had just been texting but that day, we re-connected somehow. I remember being in your kitchen and your mom asking what was wrong with us, I couldn’t even find the words to answer that question because I, myself, had no clue what was even wrong with us. I was always introduced as “your girlfriend” to everyone. Even if we weren’t going out, I never corrected it, I’m not sure why. Anyway, later on that week, I remember being at 7/11 after school, you hadn’t expected me to even be there, but I was. And I saw you with someone else. Although you tried to make it seem like it wasn’t the case. For the second time, that day I realized you had finally chosen someone else over me. It sucked. To see you walk away with another girl made my heart tear. Kinda like the time you saw me spend fourth of July with someone else and you were so angry you wanted to fight. But anyway, we fought. Like crazy, and it all came back to the same words that were always said. Nothing changed, still. So once again, I let you go.
Time went on until it was my birthday. We had started speaking that same week, and I remember hoping you would still come to my sweet sixteen. Although I hated you at the time, I just wanted you to be there. I remember you coming late, but it was okay. Except, you were wearing red, like me. No other male in the whole entire place had been wearing red except for you. It made me angry but happy, I’m not sure why. You make me feel that way a lot. You make me hate you but love you. It’s really the weirdest emotion. But I still remember that night. I didn’t talk to you at all. I took one picture with you because your mom took it. She loves us together, she really does. But I had not even danced with you until the end of the night. To be close to you like that again, was just weird..
Eventually we obviously built up again, had something, AGAIN. Things were going pretty okay, until I found out you chilled with this girl again. I had never been so embarrassed and angry in my whole life. That was when I knew I was just sick of your shit and had to let go. So I did, I confronted you about it and you laughed. Not intentionally, but because you were nervous and embarrassed. You tend to do that, but it gets me so angry. But that was when I just could not deal with you anymore. I ignored you, told you to leave my life, and you did. I would hustle past you when I saw you, in the distance I heard your voice say, “You can’t even say hi?” I remember you messaging me on facebook, asking me why I would not respond to your hellos but I refused to reply until one night that I had to. You texted me off your brother’s phone asking where Ethan or Owen was, not knowing it was you, I had to reply. Later on that week, you came to my house, we sat in silence for a good half hour. Both lost, and not even knowing where to begin. I asked you to leave and you did, but then you came back. When you came back, you gave me this look in your eyes. A look I’ve only gotten once before. (The night of ‘confessions’). But this look you gave me was so significant to me. I can still remember it in my head. You gave me that look because you know you hurt me and you were actually sorry. You cared, for once. I remember after speaking, I rested my head on your lap and you gave me a kiss on the forehead. I had fallen in love all over again, in the matter of 10 minutes. Eventually you left, and from there on, the love we had for each other is what seemed unbreakable. We were there for each other so much. We actually spent time together, wrote cute texts, you came to my competitions, it felt like our first couple of months of dating all over again, and I was completely head over heels.
Time passed, and you already know what happened. We started to argue more again, and it was just the same shit. Spring break to be exact, is when we decided that we should take time apart, so we did. Except when we did, it was just weird. It was only for a little this time, but I don’t know, I just wish we hadn’t. But then, we started to have something yet again, until the end of the year. And that’s where everything went wrong once again. It was the day you left to DR. I remember I hated you that day because you left me in tears and wanting to just escape everything and you had no problem leaving. I wondered why but then soon discovered it was because you had been speaking to this girl again. You were on the plane, you didn’t know she and I had spoken, but we did. That’s when I realized, my hatred for her needed to go away, because you were the one to hate, not her. While you were there, tables turned, you realized I was the one you loved I guess. You wrote me what seemed to be the longest text you’ve ever written me before but I still couldn’t let you in. I remember you coming back and me seeing you that same day. I always had/have the same butterflies since 2010 when I see you. It’s crazy, huh? but I remember that day. I didn’t know how to interact with you, being that I didn’t know where we even stood with each other, but then we just clicked again. A week or two later I went to Puerto Rico. I already had a feeling you would fuck everything up, and you did. I’ll never forget. I broke down, like crazy in the bathroom of that hotel room. Calling Ethan and Melanie and my sister. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I thought I was gonna die. You did that to me a lot. You made me shake, and have so many anxiety attacks. It’s weird because the only other man, or only other human I should say, that has ever done that to me is my father. But I remember that night, and I’ll never forget it. On my own vacation I wanted to just be home in bed. But you didn’t care. Sometimes, I wish you could see how you make me feel, or even feel the feeling you give me but then again, it doesn’t even matter. Anyway, the day after I came back, we went to the same party. I saw you. Some sort of hatred and anger grew in me, and I punched you, right in the face. But that wasn’t even enough for me, because after that, you still hadn’t felt the emotional pain that I did.
The summer went on, and nothing changed until one day, I guess you opened your eyes, again. We ended up talking, and it all led into the same thing. We had something good. But it all got ruined. We went into the school year, together. But then I’m not sure why, I just wanted you out of my life, so I stopped talking to you. I just did. And I would cry about it but it worked. You eventually started texting me that you wanted to be in my life and you wanted to work on us. It was all the same words. You started sounding, and still do sound like a broken record. So I went along with it. Except it worked for about a week. I loved being with you the day of Jessica’s baby shower because I’m not sure why but I just felt like you really loved me that day. It’s weird. How much I’ve grown attached to you and your family. I love being with your family too, they just make me happy. I feel like I’m apart of them sometimes. But a few days later, it happened again. You wanted your time alone, so I gave it to you, and I’m still giving it to you. It just sucks because I feel like I’ve put my all into this, but it’s always the same outcome, it never changes. There’s so much history in us, so many memories, I know we can never let go. I just wish we could find a way to fix it all. A remedy. A cure. But I feel like we never will. I’m completely head over heels in love with someone who loves me too, but just doesn’t care enough about us. I mean, we are only 17, things may change, but I just wish we can go back to the times where we really did love each other. We’re going to be together tomorrow. To see our new niece and talk. I just don’t know where it’ll all lead into. I’m scared- to talk to you. Scared that everything will end up even worse, you know? Because that’s the only thing that seems to happen. But you know how I feel for you, I mean, everyone does. It’s pretty obvious. I’ll fallen in love with everything about you. It’s quite crazy. The worst part is, is that I hate you but love you at the same time. It hurts my heart. You’re one of the only things I think about. You’ve been one of the only things I’ve been thinking about for the past couple of years. I just wish I knew how you felt about me. I never know for sure because your actions always prove you wrong. I wish I knew what you were thinking. I wish you payed as much attention to me as I do to you. But those are all wishes. Anyway, I could write on for days about my heartbreak- about how much I love you. But I guess I’ll stop here. There’s nothing more I can say but all in all, I love you Joelvis Cornelio.